Holding a high vibration doesn't seem to be happening for long periods of time. I feel myself pretty low again, focusing on body insecurities.

 

But really, this is the same body I've always lived in. This is the same body that feels radiant. This is the body that I journeyed in for 10 days of Vipassana, feeling the morphing, changing sensations and structures temporarily inhabit. Exploring deeply into the tissues, penetrating down into the most subtle of vibrations, sending little wavelets of sonar and tracing all my inner organs. This is the same body that did a trekked in the Himalayas. This body has been the vessel of my all my experience, The ocean is being and my body is the shore.

 

My body is so much more than any one judgment, than any one moment.

Much crazy deer energy keeping me up. It hangs in the shed near my structure. Deer, you have been through so very much to be here tonight, saturated with your own adrenaline.
...And I've been eating a lot of sugar. I respond to my own attempts of deprivation with overindulgence.
And in wakefulness I surf, becoming forces of nature, elements coming into one another. I cannot be sure if I was composing poetry, moaning and screaming in my own head or if it was spoken aloud.
I am happy to be awake, despite needing to wake up at 7am, and I encounter all the sensations that would normally be triggers with me, and I am liberated to find I can just be with them. That I can choose differently.

Reeesssissst!

Tauresian resistence. My strong, unmoving Taurus resistance. Urg! I feel it a lot when I enter into a therapeutic process. My desire and motivation to change is there, so why are you stopping my body and mind from actually being able to take any action? From even being able to breath? Well... are you really ready ready and motivated to change?

What is it really trying to tell me? I forget where I am, what I'm doing... I'm surrounded by death energy, loss without its counterpart, renewal.

Especially when this particular flavor of resistance comes up around therapeutic work, I actually get this thing where I don't want to give my therapist the benefit of having helped me. Isn't that horrible? Where does this come from. This reminds me of some sort of relationship or dynamic I had from my past... what was it...

A memory came up for me while I was holding the hands of my community members, closing our heart circle. I remembered a moment when I was living in the sushi house, it was right after my first (and only?) threesome. An incredibly heart opening experience. I was laying, cuddling with Sus and Coulby and right in the moment before falling asleep, I literally felt an electric pulse run through me. It was like being electrocuted, and startled me back to full awareness.

Being a part of Coulby's world always involved being confronted with aspects of other realms, other worlds and other experiences I didn't have a lot of experience with. Sometimes I was ready to open to these things, ready to accept them at that moment and recognize their authenticity, especially in moments like that where I had a real experience of them in my body. Other times, I didn't exactly know what to do with the information, and I seemed to file it away in the "figure this out later" section of my mind. This electric pulse, while experiences with my felt sense beyond any doubt, was still very difficult to accept. I think the only way to really deal with it was to just not think about it.

Of course other dimensional beings are real. In some way or another, there are many many different kinds of consciousness constantly being expressed. I can no longer deny this, nor do I feel like I should ever be in a position of authority to confirm or deny the reality of anything. I merely have a perspective with which yo experience or ignore stimuli. So that being said, and that incorporated into my worldview, I notice that there still seems to be this wall up. Even though there are a huge amount of things I experience, and experience as real beyond any doubt, there is still a wall up against accepting them, and considering them in all other aspects of my life. I'm not sure why this is, but I think it has to do with the responsibility being too great. Once I truly accept that other dimensional beings are real, I have a responsibility to maintain a relationship with them, recognize their influence... etc. Include.

This theme shows up in my life in other places, as well. There are certain experiences I want to separate, because to truly include them would force me to act from such a bigger space all the time. I couldn't get away with perpetuating the same patterns that don't acknowledge them.

Ok, so I did feel an electric pulse... maybe it is ok to just hold that without doing anything about it. Without it needing to dramatically change my worldview. I think I hold a healthy worldview in that much of it is simply holding space for the realization that I know very little. There is much I don't know, I seem to have an outline that likes to shift and morph, but it is encompassing vast empty spaces of curiosity, wonder and sometimes fear around not knowing. I guess as I write I acknowledge this is pretty good space to be in.